I’ll turn 50 next month, and I’m giving myself a gift. Actually, I’ve been working on this gift since early May, and I’m hoping that by the time I actually cross the Great 50 Divide, I’ll have a good sense of what the gift looks and acts like.

The gift is authenticity.

At this point in my life, I feel confident enough about my place in the universe that I don’t feel the need to impress, to protect, to defend, to spout the party line. No longer do I want to play games, trying to seem better at this or that than I really am, whether it’s an issue of occupational competence or spiritual vitality or intellectual knowledge. It’s not like I’ve been a big fake, a phony, a political games-player. Over the years I’ve been pretty open and honest. And yet, streaks of embedded inauthenticity run through my daily life, which I’ve discovered (with dismay) during the past few months as I’ve been trying to excise falsity from my deeply-ingrained habits and tendencies.

I want to grow in being honest, transparent, vulnerable, genuine, open. I don’t want to tell people what they want to hear, or what they expect to hear from me as a denominational suit. I don’t want to only voice sentiments that are safe, whether at work or church or in general relationships. I don’t want to play the part of an all-knowing, all-spiritual church elder, when my knowledge and spirituality fall way below allness. I want to stop playing Christian one-upmanship games, end the reign of pretense in so many nooks and crannies of my Christian character, and slay the remaining dragons of insecurity which give rise to self-justification, defensiveness, and excuses. I want to have no inhibitions about saying, “Wow, I really goofed that one up,” or “I was wrong, and you were right.”

Authenticity doesn’t require that I turn into a blunt jerk who dumps critical crap on people and says things like, “You know, you’ve got really ugly ears. Hey, I’m just trying to be honest.” There is still a matter of appropriateness and discretion. But you get the idea. Writing regularly in this blog is actually very good practice in being authentic.

So that’s my birthday present to myself. I’m working on it every day, trying to flesh out what it means, though I keep encountering bastions where genuineness remains locked out. But that’s where I’m headed. And so far, I’ve found it quite liberating.