When I was a teen, I devoured prophecy books like The Late Great Planet Earth and heard doomsday sermons that scared the heck out of me. But by the time I turned 20, the skeptic in me took firm command and hasn’t relinquished his grip. I decided I wouldn’t get my underpants bunched up over that stuff anymore. Lots of people with high prophecy IQs restock their bunkers every time the Palestinians throw a temper-tantrum. But I refuse to join the hysteria. So while wars and rumors of wars and all kinds of biblical stuff happens, turning otherwise rational people into drooling doomsday-mongers, I remain cynically calm. It’s one way to relieve stress. Thus far, I have a nearly 30-year stockpile of I-told-you-sos.

I’m thinking about this because lately, our pseudo-news TV shows have been playing up the fear (or glee) among evangelical Christians that the current turmoil in Israel may usher in the Apocalypse. That we’re on the verge of the Left Behind books becoming reality. Jon Stewart’s “Daily Show” ran through a whole bunch of reports last Thursday night. Blogs talk about why, this time, The End really–seriously, we’re not kidding this time–is nigh.

I hate to be a spoilsport. I know that Christians for 2000 years have been expecting the latest crisis to trigger the Second Coming, so when I say “It ain’t gonna happen this time, neither,” it’s just gratuitous piling-on. But that’s my view. Maybe it’ll happen in 50 years, maybe 100. But not anytime soon. And boy of boy, does that opinion irk today’s Christians, who yearn for God to flush the cosmic toilet in their lifetime, and who can quote me chapter-and-verse conclusive proof that this time, the stars are correctly aligned. “Steve, just read Revelation! It’s all right there!”

Let’s assume that the scenario our astute theologians have assembled (reinterpreted after each crisis passes without trumpet blasts) is correct. First of all, I’m not convinced the scenario, a la Left Behind, is correct. But let’s say that right now, in 2006, we’ve got it nailed. From what I understand, it depends on this anti-Christ guy coming along and becoming this powerful world figure, with lots of nations coming under his authority. Or maybe just Europe. At any rate, some collection of countries let him take collective charge.

Do you see that happening anytime soon? I don’t. Right now, all things considered, the world is in fairly good shape. It’s still a junkyard, but a junkyard with progressive management that is working to spruce up the place, and with no junkyard owners talking about merging their operations. China, with two billion people, is on the rise and feeling most pleased with itself, as hundreds of millions of people begin tasting the prosperity we’ve known in the West for decades. India, with a billion people, is emerging as a major economy. The Muslim countries are feeling their oats, which is a truly dumb phrase. The Europeans, despite the presence of France, are doing well. South America is coming along. The Rolling Stones are still touring. Things look good in the world.

But for countries to agree to give away authority to the anti-Christ, things need to be bad. I mean, desperately bad. So bad that when one charismatic, no-nonsense guy comes along and says, “Put me in charge, and I’ll do what’s necessary to fix this planet,” that the citizens of the world will gladly consent and give him a blank check. (For those of you who may still think it’s Prince Charles…well, good for you. But perhaps you should place your bets on Harry.)

We’re nowhere near that kind of desperation. No major nation would cede control to an outsider, let alone a bunch of them agree to give the car keys to one guy. The USA certainly wouldn’t. We won’t even follow the Kyoto Accords. Worldwide, there’s way too much nationalistic pride, way too much sense that the world is only getting better–not so much in the USA, because prosperity is the norm for us, but in the rest of the world, where “the American dream” of prosperity is just now taking root.

Fast forward 80 years. Terrorists have ready access to nuclear devices and new, powerful conventional explosives. Major cities, starting with New York, are regularly devastated or obliterated. No place is safe. An electromagnetic pulse from a nuclear weapon has crippled the US. The current global economic stability has been replaced by depression on the scale of the 1930s. Oil supplies are pretty much depleted, and shortsightedness by the US and other countries has not produced sufficient alternatives. Global warming is wreaking havoc; Florida is disappearing, along with coastal areas and cities worldwide. A flu scare has actually become a real live global epidemic, killing hundreds of millions. Meanwhile, Israel’s wars of 1948, 1956, 1967, 1973, and 2006 have been joined by the wars of 2016, 2029, 2041, 2055, and 2068 (with prophetic scenarios updated each time and Christians scoffing at their predecessors in 2006 who got unduly worked up). Tel Aviv is gone, the victim of a nuclear blast. Likewise with Cairo and Damascus, and Lebanon is pretty much a wasteland. China forcibly took back Taiwan. North Korea sent long-range nukes to the US west coast, and barraged Seoul into oblivion, before being itself subdued. The environment and the global economy are in shambles, and the world’s countries can’t agree on solutions.

The problems are global in scale, and they cry out for a global leader.

Then, I think the world will be ready for an anti-Christ. But not now, or anytime soon. Sorry to disappoint you.