My marriage is backwards. I enjoy shopping, and Pam doesn’t particularly. But in most marriages, if the stereotype holds, it’s the husband who gets totally bored while the wife is taking her time perusing every aisle in the store. So for those men, here are some ways to pass the time. And come to think of it, Pam could try these, too.

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Menswear. Get on it right away.”
3. Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
4. Move a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department and invite the children shoppers to join you if they bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
6. Place boxes of condoms in other people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
7. When a clerk asks if he can help you, begin crying, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while picking your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk where you can find the anti-depressants.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
11. In the auto department, practice the Madonna look using different sizes of funnels.
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell, “Pick me! Pick me!”
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and scream, “Oh no! It’s those voices again!”
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”