Sometime during my senior year of college I met Steve Charles, a new reporter for the Huntington Herald Press. I don’t remember how we met, but our personalities clicked, we touched base a few more times, and I asked him if he’d be interested in getting an apartment together after I graduated in May 1979. He liked the idea.
We called around, checking possibilities. One lady kindly asked, in sort of a roundabout way, if we were white. Steve grinned at me, and then launched into a speech about federal housing laws and the inappropriateness of refusing to rent to blacks and that he might report her to the appropriate state commission (which he named; being a reporter, he knew that stuff). The poor lady backtracked, the conversation ended, and Steve and I had a good laugh. This, I knew, would be fun.
We found a second-level, two-bedroom apartment beside the river, behind Johnny’s Drive-In. I enjoyed Steve’s company. We talked about writing and sports and politics and all kinds of fascinating stuff. It was a continuation of my senior year, when I lived off-campus with Clyde and Rick. Steve and I had a great time together…for one week. Then he was offered the editorship of a newspaper in Wickenburg, Ariz., and quickly took off. Johnny let me move into one of his one-bedroom apartments. And thus began ten years alone. Ten years before I married Pam, in 1989.
I’ve always considered those good years. And they were: full of ministry, lots of accomplishment, lots of productivity. It would be easy to say, “I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.” But this afternoon I found myself reflecting as I lay in the grass outside reading the chapter “Alone” in the wonderful book Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. Miller describes himself as a recluse who functions well by himself, who leaves parties and church early because he’s not real social. “The presence of people would agitate me. I was so used to being able to daydream and keep myself company that other people were an intrusion. It was terribly unhealthy….The soul needs to interact with other people to be healthy.”
It’s not his best chapter. But it sure made me rethink those ten years. When I came home from work or church each night, my interaction was done. I read lots of books. I watched lots of TV. I wrote freelance articles. But wouldn’t a roommate have been great–some guy with whom I could talk about world events, Big Ideas, and Christ? As I lay in the grass this afternoon, looking up from the book, I decided, “Yes, that would have been better.” It’s a new admission.
I’ve always eaten lunch alone. In those first few years after graduating, I found that difficult. I would go to Arby’s and see a group of Huntington College employees eating together, laughing, discussing Big Ideas. Some would be peers I had attended college with a year or two before. My heart would yearn–I cannot tell you how strongly it yearned–for one of them to say, “Steve, come eat with us. Pull up a chair.” Then I could participate in the intellectual stimulation that I had enjoyed throughout college. But as I discovered, though we had been classmates, we now inhabited different worlds, and I was not part of their world. I was never, not once, invited to join them. It hurt. It puzzled me. But after a few years, the yearning stopped. I would read my magazine in one booth while they crowded around a couple tables and made merry. I made peace with eating alone, with not engaging in stimulating discussion about politics and what-have-you.
I’ve now eaten by myself for 27 years. To an extent, I now value eating alone, viewing another person’s presence almost as an intrusion. I take a magazine–The New Yorker, Wired, Newsweek–and read. Just me and the written word. I absorb tons of information. But is this solitariness healthy? If I had 27 years under my belt of interacting with other people over lunch, wouldn’t I be better off? And wouldn’t it be great if Pam and I worked in the same town and could meet for lunch?
Miller writes, “Jesus wants us interacting, eating together, laughing together, praying together. Loneliness is something that came with the fall. If loving other people is a bit of heaven, then certainly isolation is a bit of hell.”
I’m amazed at how much I talk to Pam. This guy who spent so many years alone now becomes Mr. Chatterbox when I get home and Pam asks how my day went. I never tire of talking with my wife. Is this the real me? I think so. At least, it feels more comfortable than the guy who spent so much time alone. It’s good that I realize that. Was I perhaps lonely during those years, and just didn’t realize it? I always told people I enjoyed being alone, that I functioned just fine by myself. But I now suspect I was a bit self-deluded about that. I function better when I’m engaged with other people.
Tonight Pam and I will watch the NBA finals together. It will be more fun than watching alone. And tonight, I will appreciate that fact a little bit more.
