Category Archives: It’s My Life

Terror in the Courtroom

A couple weeks ago, I spent part of a morning in a Fort Wayne courtroom. Went with a friend, actually, who had a court appearance. Everything went fine for him. But the judge was having a Slaughter the Infidels day.

The judge was a woman, whom I shall refer to in various ways, starting with Bride of Godzilla. I understand that a judge must keep control of the courtroom, and that it may even be necessary to strike some fear into your hapless subjects. But this Vampiress in Black proved herself to be not only unprofessional in how she treated people, but terribly childish. Like a spoiled kid around whom the universe absolutely must revolve.

For instance, Ms. Mordor despised the public defenders, all of whom (from what I could tell) were young women. She publicly mocked them over and over. I found it utterly embarrassing. If she didn’t see the proper paperwork in front of her, she might throw her head back, mouth open, like a 12-year-old who can’t believe you could actually be so stupid. She would get upset with a public defender and talk to her like she was a little kid, saying her words very slowly and clearly. “Can. You. Comprehend. Why. You. Are. Such. An. Imbecile?” If I said she was condescending, it would be an understatement akin to saying, “Donald Trump has mixed emotions about Rosie O’Donnell.”

Fifteen minutes into the proceedings, the Himmler Headcase threw a hissy fit. Let me pause to ask, is “hissy fit” a sexist term? I don’t know, and I certainly don’t want to pull an Imus. But the term aptly describes what Madam Mao regularly threw with reckless and well-practiced abandon. She declared a 15-minute recess until those incompetent public defenders could get their act together. Then she stormed out of the courtroom, probably wanting to see the second 15 minutes of Regis and Kelly while snacking on toasted lizard tongues.

It was, after all, All About Her. She felt inconvenienced, and wanted to stick-it to the public defenders–those legal peons whom she regarded with contempt. And so, she left.

Meanwhile, there were well over a hundred people all crammed into uncomfortable wood pews. I mean, crammed, hip to hip. And we just had to wait there until the hissy fit expired and Judge Jurassic once again deemed us worthy of her esteemed presence. Which, right on schedule, occurred 15 minutes later.

But nothing changed. She continued berating the public defenders and terrifying everyone present. Except me. I was just an observer with nothing to lose. I found her behavior, coming from a 50-something woman with a doctorate, extraordinarily amusing. And pathetic. A case study in upper class creeping dementia.

At one point, my friend’s public defender came and asked, “Would you mind if we put off your case for a week? The judge is really going nuts today.” She whispered it, but since we were packed together like a death train to Treblinka, plenty of people could hear. He said that would be okay. But the public defender, despite having been thrown in and out of the fiery furnace by the Traffic Court Terror, navigated his case through this judicial Bermuda Triangle without the Dragonlady severing too many heads. How’s that for a collection of metaphors?

I am sure that if you asked Judge Beltshazzar’s neighbors about her, they would say she’s kind and considerate, a wonderful mother, a neighbor who will do anything for you. You know, the same comments news reporters solicit from the neighbors of such upstanding citizens as John Wayne Gacy and the BTK killer, neither of whom, as far as I know, wore a black robe during their reign of terror.

So anyway, it was an interesting experience for me. I thought, sitting in the gallery, that I would be among the low-lifes of society. Turns out that the biggest emotional low-life in that courtroom was in charge of the asylum.

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Intrusion Into The Dream

Our big denominational convention is fast approaching, and I’ve been in a state of heightened alert for about two months now. Just a ton of things to do before 850 people descend on our meeting place. I’ve been designing brochures, posters, slides, nametags, info sheets, logos, and sundry other things. Wrote a video script, edited and layed-out all of the business reports. Wrote a database to hold all the registrant info.

Anyway, it’s been hectic for a long time. And when that happens, when I begin feeling like I’m behind and won’t be able to catch up, then I start having The Dream. I’m back in college, and I keep forgetting about classes I need to attend. Weeks go by. I’m missing classes, missing assignments, missing tests.

So I’ve been waiting for The Dream to surface. And on Friday night, it did. Except that during this dream, I realized it was only The Dream. So when a teacher gave me an assignment, I said, “I don’t owe anybody anything. Not with 200 million dollars in the bank.” Then I woke up.

Uh…say again? Two hundred million dollars? That was definitely a new wrinkle to The Dream. The only thing I can figure is that the last thing I did before going to bed was to google about the Donald Trump-Mark Cuban feud, this spat between billionaires, one of whom is a childish wuss, and one of whom owns a really good basketball team that choked royally this year.

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The Anti-Decaf Starbucks at Jefferson Point

This week I’m taking a car-less friend to work, and to satisfy my Starbucks addiction, I’ve been stopping at a different Starbucks than normal–the one at the Jefferson Point mall here in Fort Wayne. I went there Monday, Wednesday, and today.

All three days I asked for decaf coffee. All three days, I was told, “It’s still brewing. If you can wait a few minutes….”

Monday, I opted instead for their medium roast. Yesterday I just left and tried the nearby Krispy Kreme restaurant, where the decaf machine happened to be broken for they didn’t know how long.

Today, when the kind folks at the Jefferson Point Starbucks told me it would be about four minutes, I just dropped my head and said, “You’re kidding. I’ve stopped here three times this week, and every time you don’t have decaf.”

The two young women explained to me, in very understanding, apologetic, visitor-friendly voices that would make managers proud, that they brew (or was it “rebrew”?) every hour, and I just happened to come at that time. In actuality, I was not interested in an explanation of why they couldn’t sell me what I came to buy three times in a row. So I just mustered up an aura of displeasure and left in a huff, possibly unbefitting of a church elder. Fortunately, the door was not the slammable type.

Why does Starbucks hate decaf drinkers so much?

Fortunately, Krispy Kreme’s machine was fixed, so they accepted my $1.77. It was drinkable.

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The Happy Boy in the Other Room

ConnorCollage.jpgIt’s 10:30 Saturday night. I’m in the computer room putting together the announcement loop and song slides for tomorrow. And out in the living room, I can hear Connor giggling up a storm. Allen and Carolyn are with him. Pam (that’s her in the upper left, with Connor) went to bed already; for CPAs, the tax season is just about over, and she’s exhausted. Connor is in his little swing, and Allen and Carolyn are doing something to get him laughing. It doesn’t take much.

I love hearing Connor laugh. It’s been over five months now since they came to live with us. It gives me pleasure knowing that we’re providing an environment where this baby can be so incredibly happy. Sometimes he fills the house with crying, but that’s the exception. More often, he’s laughing. He is one happy boy with a quick smile.

Before coming to live with us, the three of them slept on a cold hardwood floor (no bed, no mattress, just a blanket) in the upstairs landing of a dark house on a dark street near the downtown. A number of other people lived there, and all of them smoked (except Carolyn and Allen). It’s good that they don’t live there anymore.

Connor is laughing, giggling, making baby sounds. It gives me joy. Every day it gives me joy.

(Watch this little Quicktime movie of Connor sitting on my legs while Allen pops up behind me and says “Pee boo.” Infectious laughter from Connor.)

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Email Obsession

The last thing I do each day, before leaving work, is check my email. Well, almost the last thing. I then close the email program, start the screen saver, and put the rechargeable mouse in its cradle. Then I leave.

It’s a nice, liesurely, 25-minute drive home, during which I typically listen to ESPN, which has nothing new to contribute to my life. Upon arriving home, I turn on the computer and…check my email.

Because, after all, it’s been a full 25 minutes since I last checked.

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My First Ping Pong Tournament

Today I played in my first table tennis tournament, a big annual tourney in South Bend, Ind. Since I am unrated (you need to play in a sanctioned tournament to get a rating with the USA Table Tennis association), I played in the two lower categories, for persons rated under 1000 and under 1200.

They put you in groups of four, and you play a round robin–three matches, best of five games each. Whoever wins that table advances to the next round. Unless you’re unrated, in which case you can’t advance. Such was my lot. I won my table in both categories, the under 1000 and under 1200 (actually had much tougher competition in the under 1000). So I felt quite pleased with myself.

My toughest competition came from two girls–or, one teenage girl (who beat me) and a thirty-something woman who took me to a fifth game and I had to come from behind. We don’t have any females in the Fort Wayne club.

So it was an interesting, fun experience for me. Next tournament, I’ll be able to advance after winning my table (should that happen again).

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Changing a Diaper. No Problem.

Connor_football.jpgI am remiss for not having mentioned earlier an important milestone in my humdrum life. On Saturday afternoon, February 3, I changed my first diaper. Actually, it wasn’t my diaper, but Connor’s.

Since this was a momentous thing for which I feel, even five days later, an unusual sense of accomplishment, I am compelled to provide a play-by-play.

Allen was in the bedroom picking up in preparation for our Super Bowl party the next night. I’d been holding Connor, and it became obvious to me, as a person in whom God saw fit to install a nose, that all was not tidy in his nether regions. I could have called for Allen. But in an impulsive spat of self-confidence, probably caffeine-related, I convinced myself, “I’ve watched them do this enough. I can do this on my own.”

And so, I unfolded his little pad, arranged a clean diaper and the wipes around it, placed Connor on the pad, and proceeded to unravel this smelly mystery. People have asked me if it was an easy one, if he was just wet. No, I’ll have you know, it was not an easy one. He had soiled his onesie down his back. Which raises this question:

When it comes to babies, do you use a clinical euphemism like “soiled,” or do you just come right out and say, “He had green poop squirted clear down his back?” You decide.

Anyway, I rose to the occasion, using upwards of 75 wipes and managing to keep his little yellow-socketed feet from falling into the aforementioned soil. Suddenly, he was clean. And I, Steve Dennie, age 50, had engineered this feat which restored balance to the universe.

The most difficult part was removing his onesie. I definitely need to practice, if not receive extended instruction in, the proper technique for removing from an outfit the arms and head of a baby who provides absolutely no help. Connor grew a bit impatient with me, since I clearly took longer at this part of the mission than his parents do. But I got the thing off and took it in to Allen, pointing out the existance of soil and suggesting that we substitute something fresh and clean, as if that was only an option.

At this point, I turned the operation over to Allen, who located a new outfit and did the honors. I, meanwhile, stood watching with a grin of self-satisfaction.

Now that I am a veteran at changing diapers, I am available to conduct workshops.

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Adventures in the Kitchen

Last night I attempted to make a double batch of Rice-a-Roni, enough for all four of us. I started by dumping the rice mixture and the seasoning packet into a big pan. Mistake. The seasoning packet comes later. But once it’s mixed in, there’s no separating it. So I proceeded.

Add butter, let it melt, and saute the rice until it’s a golden brown. Well, with the seasoning coating everything, everything was discolored. Plus, it burned. Lots of burned rice. I decreed that the sauteing was complete, and proceeded to add water, bring it to a boil, and let it simmer in the covered pan for 15 minutes. And 20 minutes. And 25.

Taste test. I scooped out some rice. It was crunchy. But that was probably just the shaved almonds. So I extracted one solitary piece of rice and stuck it in my mouth. It was hard and crunchy.

So I dumped the whole thing in the trash, and our supper became, instead, a tray-full of pizza rolls. Very healthy. I should stick to grilling.

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Gun Paradise

This morning I went to the Fort Wayne Gun & Knife show at the coliseum. I collect knives and bayonets. The G&K show comes around every three months, but I’ve only gone twice–once in January 2005, and now today. My nephew, Benjamin, was going to come with me (he also collects knives), but ended up having to work. So I went alone.

I parked my truck amidst a forest of macho pickups and SUVs and headed toward the entrance behind a fellow wearing a camoflauge jacket and carrying a big rifle on a strap over his shoulder. Context is everything. I imagined if we were headed toward the entrance of a school. Or an airport.

I looked at a lot of the guns and thought, “It’s legal to buy that?” Perhaps some full-auto features are disabled, I don’t know. The place was a Jack Bauer paradise. It gave me some comfort knowing that if the US were invaded, lots of my neighbors are very heavily armed. Maybe I could borrow somebody’s AK-47 or set-up their 30-calibre machine gun on my rooftop amidst sandbags.

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Our Weekly Bandidos Date

Pam and I have a Wednesday night tradition of stopping at Bandidos after prayer meeting. A new Bandidos opened up near us sometime during the past year. We usually get their after 9 pm, and we can be in and out in a half hour (depending on what we order). Though we have houseguests for the foreseeable future, we still want to keep this Bandidos date for ourselves.

We rarely find more than a few other patrons at that time. The same server greets us, a youngish guy with blonde hair who knows that Pam wants a diet Mountain Dew and I want Sierra Mist, and he brings them without asking. His low-key, non-intrusive approach fits what we’re after–a quiet, comfortable time to debrief about the day and enjoy each other’s company.

We often order a medium nachos with just the beef and cheeses, and we share it. That’s what we did last night. I’m also partial to their three-taco meal, though I can’t remember off-hand which Spanish name it goes by (Ramona? Eva? Juana?).

I don’t know our server’s name yet. I should ask. I always tip him 20%, which last night would have come to $2. But, the Christmas spirit upon us, Pam and I decided to tip him $4 last night. I wrote “Merry Christmas, Steve and Pam” on the bottom of the bill. It’s fun doing stuff like that.

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