People need to learn responsibility.

And it begins in the left-hand turning lane.

Being the first one in line in the turning lane is an important responsibility. Not everyone can handle it. Every driver behind you is counting on you to get off to a quick start, because as everyone knows, that arrow won’t say green for very long (turning lanes get no respect). A few seconds, and then it’s yellow…and then gone. And drivers must wait for the next round.

Too many drivers, first in line, just can’t handle the pressure. They space off, consult their cellphones, tune the radio, look around. Then, when the green arrow appears, they fumble around and cost several cars the chance to make it through the light. Too often, drivers don’t even get going until the arrow is yellow. And then there are a few hardened laggards who don’t move until you honk at them. Such persons should have their licenses revoked, if not their citizenship.

It’s especially problematic for stick-shift drivers, who too frequently don’t have the stick in the proper gear for starting off. When they come to a stop, they thoughtlessly leave the car in 4th gear (or whatever), so when the light turns green, there is a long pause while they shift into first gear. Stick-shift drivers should undergo special testing before having licenses issues or renewed. Think how many hundreds, or thousands, of man-hours are wasted at stoplights simply because someone didn’t downshift before the arrow turned green.

Responsibility doesn’t end with the first car. The second and third cars must also be ready. I’m talking about gaps. When the first car takes off, the second car should be right behind it, and the third one right behind it. I am obsessive about this, always following closely behind the car in front of me. A large gap between cars means that at least one driver, further back, won’t make it through the light, because somebody is meandering, thinking only of themselves and not of their fellow travelers.

The turn lane is serious business. You’ve got to be ready. You’ve got to carry your weight.

I feel strongly about this.

My marriage is backwards. I enjoy shopping, and Pam doesn’t particularly. But in most marriages, if the stereotype holds, it’s the husband who gets totally bored while the wife is taking her time perusing every aisle in the store. So for those men, here are some ways to pass the time. And come to think of it, Pam could try these, too.

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Menswear. Get on it right away.”
3. Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
4. Move a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
5. Set up a tent in the camping department and invite the children shoppers to join you if they bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
6. Place boxes of condoms in other people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
7. When a clerk asks if he can help you, begin crying, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while picking your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk where you can find the anti-depressants.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
11. In the auto department, practice the Madonna look using different sizes of funnels.
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell, “Pick me! Pick me!”
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and scream, “Oh no! It’s those voices again!”
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

(Thanks to Kem Meyer for the photo.)

Thank you, Jackie Houchin, for bringing this to my much amused attention. This is the official blog of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Somebody at PETA needs to say the name of this blog real fast about five times in a row.