In Singapore, you can order mashed potatoes from a vending machine. Put in your money, hit some numbers, and hot water pours into some instant mashed potatoes. This goes on my short list of disgusting food items.
History of the Bell
Taco Bell was started in 1946 by a former Marine named Glen Bell. His first location was called Bell’s Drive-In, and it sold hot dogs.
About six years later he began experimenting with tacos, and eventually opened three stands he called Taco Tias. He rebranded it as “Taco Bell” in 1962. By 1967, there were 100 Taco Bells.
The question is: why do I care? I never eat there.
Waiting for Nothing to Happen
I believe federal law should dictate that a sledgehammer be kept beside every automatic hand dryer and towel dispenser in public restrooms. Then, when you wave your hands in front of the thing and nothing happens, you should have every right to grab the sledgehammer and take a swing.
While we’re at it: ditto for automatic faucets.
Nouns Deserve the Right to be Capitlized
The Principle, clearly established by our Founding Fathers in the Declaration and Constitution, is that absolutely any Noun is a legitimate Candidate for capitalization. Who among Us wants to argue with Thomas Jefferson?
I hereby declare Kate Turabian to be a loathsome communist. Had Joseph McCarthy not been victimized by the CBS/Murrow witchhunt, I’m sure He would have eventually gotten around to calling Kate for her unAmerican over-regulation of our God-given Language.
Why, today, don’t we randomly capitalize Nouns in the midst of Sentences? Who decided that Thomas Jefferson was Wrong? I do think this merits Congressional hearings. This historical Wrong must be Righted.
If Companies Had Realistic Slogans
I found this on Reddit.
Best Buy: See it in person before you buy it on Amazon.
Carnival Cruise: What are the chances something will happen this time?
Costco: When you’re not sure what you want, but you know you want a LOT of it.
Radio Shack: Would you like some batteries with that? Pretty please?
Internet Explorer: Your number one browser for downloading other browsers
Google: You know we’re just a step away from creating Skynet.
1 800 Flowers: the cheapest way to say you remembered your anniversary an hour ago.
Trojan: Tuition is very expensive.
Barnes & Noble: We don’t have it, but we can order it. But so can you, and cheaper.
Gamestop: We’ll give you 6 bucks for that 60 dollar game you bought yesterday
Fiji: It costs a lot to make a square bottle.
Denny’s: Because its 2 am, you’re drunk, and you need pancakes.
Adobe: An update is available
Motel 6: We will leave the lights on for you because we are in a dangerous neighborhood!
Dasani: Italian for “Coke just sold you water”
Walmart: Home of 53 registers, with only 3 open!
Facebook: We know more about you than you do
Blockbuster: Remember us?
Applebee’s: For when you’re too lazy to prepare your own frozen food
White Castle: It’s Food…Technically.
Comcast: Rewarding loyal customers with ever-increasing rates since 1963.
A Fashion Idea Ahead of Its Time
I’m surprised this jumpsuit idea from the 70s never caught on. Doesn’t this powder-blue outfit make this apparent lumberjack look totally manly?
iPotty: an Idea Whose Time has Come
The incredible iPotty sells for $39.99 on Amazon, but is currently out-of-stock at Amazon. Apparently, hordes of parents with iPads are also potty training their children (if a friend or coworker has a baby, I suggest you NOT borrow their iPad). The iPotty introduces toddlers to the wonderful world of multitasking–in this case, using the iPad to accomplish productive things while simultaneously learning to…you know. Children can even check Wikipedia for learning tips. Assuming your 18-month-old can read.
Before buying something, I always read the Amazon reviews. Very helpful stuff. But the comments with the iPotty took things to a whole new level, as some folks really had fun with this. Here are some reprinted comments from Amazon.
My kid Tobby is 13, but he has the mind, size, and appearance of a five-year-old so, we bought him the CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty because we were tired of sending him outside to do his business every time he started whining and scratching the front door. Now I don’t want to give the impression that my kid is stupid; I mean, he had the ability to learn the whining and door scratching trick from the dog, and unlike the dog he has never gone on the carpet. Okay, I can’t really be sure he hasn’t gone on the carpet because there’s been some presents left behind that contain corn and I don’t think any of our dog food has corn in it, but I digress.
I know we’re supposed to interact with our kid and teach him things, but quite honestly, it’s easier just to put him in front of the TV and let those cartoons do the educating for us. The kid goes into a zone when he’s watching TV and doesn’t say a word for hours, so he’s obviously learning a ton of stuff. When the iPad came out, I was reluctant to fork out all that cash, but once my wife and I realized the educational benefits it could have on our child, we bought it immediately. He has absolutely no idea how to operate the darn thing, but when he’s playing with the iPad it’s like we don’t even have a kid anymore. It’s pretty great. When you think about it, a kid playing with an iPad on the potty is no different than an adult reading a book. Sometimes you just need to take your mind off the task at hand and let things happen naturally. While our boy has yet to be successfully potty trained, we’re confident that — with the help of the iPotty — we’ll have this thing figured out in no time.
I bought this and tried it out to make sure it was suitable for our 11-year-old (he does things at his own pace). The problem — I tried it for too long and operant conditioned myself. Now I can’t relieve myself unless I am playing Angry Birds or watching Netflix. This is awkward at the office and at urinals in general. Also, whenever I am someplace without a wi-fi signal, I become constipated.
I bought this for myself because, let’s face it, I’m a busy lady on the “go” (pun intended!) and I don’t always have time to properly do my business when there is so much internetting to be done. Fortunately, I was blessed with a pretty minuscule frame and some freakish flexibility, so I am able to mount this sucker like a barely-oversized toddler. At first, I found myself only using time-wasting apps like Flow or Fruit Ninja. Then, as my restroom visits lengthened, I realized that we had some serious multi-tasking opportunities here. In the past week, I have edited my NaNoWriMo novel, stalked my ex-boyfriend (whose new wife, by the way, is hideous… but at least she’s tall, right, Rich?!), filled out my passport application – AND PRINTED IT! FROM MY BATHROOM! – and completed an online mobile app development class. And I’ve never been more regular! The only downside I can see is that now, every time I try to use my iPad in a non-water-closeted venue, I experience the sudden and undeniable urge to eliminate waste. It makes my normal bedtime routine pretty uncomfortable, and makes me feel weak for my Pavlovian response. I’m trying to taper off using this, but now a regular toilet just feels so high. There is a reason most of the world squats, people! It’s better for you!
The Indestructible Chuck Norris
I recently discovered the world of Chuck Norris jokes. There are many websites devoted to them (just search for “Chuck Norris jokes”). Not really jokes. Rather, statements about his awesomeness. His omnipotence. Here are some of my favorites.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
- There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
- Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
- Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
- “Brokeback Mountain” is what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
- The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
- They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
- Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
- Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
- Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage
- If Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down. It knows better.
Spouses (Plural) Welcome
As Communications Director for the United Brethren in Christ denomination, I keep up on what’s being said about us on the web. A Google alert notifies me of any web references to “United Brethren.” This turns up newspaper articles, obituaries, and other relevant stuff.
Lately, I’ve been getting news about the Apostlic United Brethren, a polygamous Mormon group that separated from the Mormon Church back in the 1880s. They’re seeking approval to build a retirement community in Bluffdale, Utah.
We’re regularly confused with other “Brethren” groups (Brethren in Christ, Church of the Brethren, Mennonite Brethren), so I’m wondering if I could apply for a spot in this retirement community, and sneak my application past them by merely identifying myself as “United Brethren.”
It could work. Though Pam might have some thoughts on the matter.
The Mouse Diet
It’s been calculated that each mouse click burns 1.42 calories. That seems a bit high to me. I think I could sit here on my duff and click 700 times, but I woulnd’t burn off no 1000 calories. But who am I to argue with dietary science?
