He is also quite self-deprecating, not impressed with himself. That comes through especially in his final chapter, “Family.” I loved what I read about his role as a husband and father and how he tries to balance those roles with a very public career. He present himself not as a person who has it all together, but as a highly flawed guy still trying to figure it out. It’s not the type of stuff a campaign advisor would want him to publish.
The chapter deals with various policy issues affecting the family, and you catch glimpses of things–including some excellent ideas–he feels strongly about (though these issues haven’t arisen yet). But mostly, he talks about Michelle, his daughters, and his journey as a husband and parent.
He tells of his courtship with Michelle, and how she repeatedly refused his requests for a date. They met at a law firm where he came as an intern and Michelle, having already worked there three years, was assigned as his advisor.
When he launched his first Congressional run (and lost), “Michelle put up no pretense of being happy with the decision. My failure to clean up the kitchen suddenly became less endearing.”
The burdens of parenthood increasingly fell on Michelle. “No matter how liberated I liked to see myself as–no matter how much I told myself that Michelle and I were equal partners, and that her dreams and ambitions were as important as my own–the fact was that when children showed up, it was Michelle and not I who was expected to make the necessary adjustments. Sure, I helped, but it was always on my terms, on my schedule. Meanwhile, she was the one who had to put her career on hold.”
He is very honest, and self-critical, about how his ambitions affected Michelle. He writes at one point that Michelle told him, “You only think about yourself. I never thought I’d have to raise a family alone.” Phew! Harsh stuff.
“I determined that my father’s irresponsibility toward his children, my stepfather’s remoteness, and my grandfather’s failures would all become object lessons for me, and that my own children would have a father they could count on. In the most basic sense, I’ve succeeded….And yet, of all the areas of my life, it is in my capacities as a husband and father that I entertain the most doubt.”
“I have chosen a life with a ridiculous schedule, a life that requires me to be gone from Michelle and the girls for long stretches of time and that exposes Michelle to all sorts of stress….[My rationalizations] seem feeble and painfully abstract when I’m missing one of the girls’ school potlucks because of a vote….My recent success in politics does little to assuage the guilt….And so I do my best to answer the accusation that floats around in my mind–that I am selfish, that I do what I do to feed my own ego or fill a void in my heart.”
Amidst these self-critical statements, he tells some wonderful stories from his family life, especially regarding the girls, that show he’s really trying to figure it out–how to be a really good husband and father. You see two girls who are bright, fun-loving, and well-adjusted, and he freely gives Michelle credit for that. But he’s more part of the equation than he gives himself credit for.
The chapter contains some very vulnerable stuff. How many politicians write about their short-comings? Throughout the campaign, we saw this picture of a wonderful family–and that seems to be the case. It’s the type of picture a political image consultant would try to paint. But in this book, Barack Obama pulls back the curtain and says, “Here’s what none of you see. It’s not always pretty.”
