I recently discovered the world of Chuck Norris jokes. There are many websites devoted to them (just search for “Chuck Norris jokes”). Not really jokes. Rather, statements about his awesomeness. His omnipotence. Here are some of my favorites.

• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
• Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
• “Brokeback Mountain” is what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
• The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
• The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
• They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
• Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
• Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
• Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage
• If Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down. It knows better.