Yearly Archives: 2013

The Indestructible Chuck Norris

chucknorris

I recently discovered the world of Chuck Norris jokes. There are many websites devoted to them (just search for “Chuck Norris jokes”). Not really jokes. Rather, statements about his awesomeness. His omnipotence. Here are some of my favorites.

  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don’t really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
  • There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
  • When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  • Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the “Circle of Life.”
  • Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  • Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
  • “Brokeback Mountain” is what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
  • The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  • The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
  • They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be “Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.”
  • Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
  • Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
  • Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage
  • If Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down. It knows better.
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One Way to Get on Letterman

Kevin Ware of Louisville read the Top Ten list on David Letterman last night. This will make you grimace, but probably not as much as it made Ware grimace.

10. “What was that loud cracking sound?”
9. “I hope this doesn’t leave a bruise.”
8. “Hey look, my tibia!”
7. “Ouch.”
6. “Did it go in?”
5. “Oh boy, hospital food.”
4. “Tape it up, coach, I’m staying in.”
3. “They fired Leno?”
2. “Heat then ice? Or ice then heat?”
1. “At least my bracket’s not busted.”

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Hacking North Korea

kimjongun

The hacker group Anonymous (or someone posing as Anonymous) hacked into North Korea’s Flickr site today. They posted a photo showing Kim Jong Un’s face with a pig snout, and with a Mickey Mouse drawing on his chest. Text read: “Threatening world peace with ICBMs and Nuclear weapons/Wasting money while his people starve to death.”

They also broke into the official North Korea Twitter account, and posted tweets and links which mocked Kim Jong Un.

And, they took down the North Korean news and information website at Uriminzokkiri.com (which is currently offline).

Bravo!

(The unflattering photo does not bolster The Onion’s naming of Kim as the 2012 Sexiest Man Alive, an award North Koreans apparently took seriously.)

Anonymous claimed to have “a few guys on the ground” in North Korea who used a chain of wifi repeaters to bring the uncensored internet into the country. They also claimed to use landlines to access the national Intranet.

The Exalted Leader is a bit prickly. Whoever’s in charge of his Twitter and Flickr accounts might be moving to a gulag. And maybe he’ll consider the hacking an act of war and start launching his ICBMs (which, after flying 50 miles or so, flame out and fall impotently to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean).

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Spouses (Plural) Welcome

flds

As Communications Director for the United Brethren in Christ denomination, I keep up on what’s being said about us on the web. A Google alert notifies me of any web references to “United Brethren.” This turns up newspaper articles, obituaries, and other relevant stuff.

Lately, I’ve been getting news about the Apostlic United Brethren, a polygamous Mormon group that separated from the Mormon Church back in the 1880s. They’re seeking approval to build a retirement community in Bluffdale, Utah.

We’re regularly confused with other “Brethren” groups (Brethren in Christ, Church of the Brethren, Mennonite Brethren), so I’m wondering if I could apply for a spot in this retirement community, and sneak my application past them by merely identifying myself as “United Brethren.”

It could work. Though Pam might have some thoughts on the matter.

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Saying Very Little in Too Many Words

snoopy_writingBecause I’ve written some books, people occasionally contact me with their own book ideas. When they tell me what the book will be about, my reaction is often, “It sounds like you have an article, not a book.”

They have enough original content for an article. For a sermon. For a workshop. For a blog post. But not for a book.

Sadly, this is true of a lot of Christian books. The author has an interesting idea, a new twist for an aspect of the Chrtistian life, but they cover it within a chapter or two. They then pad the book with stuff you’ve heard before, Generic Christianity, while making obligatory connections to the original theme.

Such was the case with a book I just finished, “Firsthand.” Another example was “Not a Fan”–a far better book than “Firsthand,” yet basically only a couple chapters’ worth of content dealing with the “fan” premise.

With some Christian books, I should just read the first two chapters and consider myself done. And since I can usually get the first chapter free as a “sample chapter” on my Nook…hmmm.

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The Persistent .05%

pencil-eraser580

I work with lots of ministers, and ministers always have a “life verse.” I think it’s a requirement for getting a ministerial license. But, I admit, I’ve never had a life verse. It has always made me feel spiritually deficient.

However, there is one verse I apply to my work more than any other, so perhaps it qualifies as a life verse. Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, sin is not absent” (NIV).

As a Communications Director, my career is based on churning out words. This verse tells me, “The more words, the more chance there are mistakes.” Ain’t that the truth. You can’t crank out thousands of words every day without getting something wrong.

A very nice woman called me today to point out a mistake. She was nervous and apologetic about it, and was calling because somebody else asked her to. The idea of correcting me intimidated her, I think; she didn’t know how I would respond.

But I’m long past (most of the time) being defensive. Making errors in writing–whether mere typos or, as was the case today, factual errors–is just gonna happen. It’s been happening for over 30 years. I accept my fallibility. Probably 99.95% of what I write is clean, mistake-free. But that .05% won’t go away anytime soon.

So I told this woman the mistake was entirely mine, I apologized for it, and I promptly corrected it (you can do that with stuff on the web). No sense being prickly about it. I appreciate people pointing my mistakes, as long as they aren’t jerks about it.

And keep this in mind: whenever somebody talks a lot, or write a lot, there’s a good chance that some of it is just plain wrong. It applies to your local newspaper reporters, to TV pundits…and to your own preacher.

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A Month with Jim

The Office

My 2013 office calendar is, appropriately, from “The Office” TV show. Each month is a different character, with a few quotes. I just turned the page for April, and it’s…JIM!! My favorite character! One of the quotes is this piece of wisdom:

“No, I’m not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I’m not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It’s true, but it doesn’t help anybody.”

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It’s the Law in Kennesaw

kennesawThis graphic has nearly 3000 shares on Facebook. And I’m thinking–seriously? People are in favor of FORCING citizens to buy and own guns?

I’m guessing most of these shares are by people who rant about government intrusion into our private lives, and who oppose the Obamacare mandate because they shouldn’t be forced to buy something they don’t want. But hey–let’s DEMAND that people keep deadly weapons as part of their family, whether they like it or not.

Seriously? Is this something to applaude? To trumpet across Facebook as commendable?

I looked it up: a firearms license in Georgia averages $75, renewable every five years. So this would be a huge windfall for local governments trying to make up budget shortfalls. And it would sure make local gunshop owners happy. Maybe some are on the Kennesaw city council.

Gun rights advocates like to complain that we aren’t enforcing the laws already on the books. In Kennesaw, nobody is apparently enforcing this law. Plus, Kennesaw does exempt anyone who is morally opposed to guns or who can’t afford to buy one. So it’s kind of a toothless law, when it comes right down to it.

The part about crediting guns with the low crime rate is an exaggeration. In fact, if you factor in all of the people in Kennesaw who DON’T own guns, in direct violation of the law, then the crime rate is actually quite high.

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An End to Tangles

tangled-cords-and-cables

The no-tangle cord is truly an amazing invention. It works on telephones, computers, vacuum cleaners, and all those cords cluttering the stage at church. It has single-handedly reduced the world’s collective blood pressure by several points. The no-tangle cord is, indeed, the greatest invention of the 21st century…. Or it will be, once somebody actually INVENTS it. Will somebody get to work on this? A stressed out world awaits. And then you can move on to clothes hangers.

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For Service WAY Beyond the Call of Duty

Thomas A. Baker

Thomas A. Baker

Thomas A. Baker, from Troy, New York, won the Medal of Honor on Saipan during World War 2. This award was an absolute no-brainer. Read what he did. This is why they were the Greatest Generation.

When his entire company was held up by fire from automatic weapons and small-arms fire from strongly fortified enemy positions that commanded the view of the company, Sgt. (then Pvt.) Baker voluntarily took a bazooka and dashed alone to within 100 yards of the enemy. Through heavy rifle and machinegun fire that was directed at him by the enemy, he knocked out the strong point, enabling his company to assault the ridge.

Some days later, while his company advanced across the open field flanked with obstructions and places of concealment for the enemy, Sgt. Baker again voluntarily took up a position in the rear to protect the company against surprise attack and came upon 2 heavily fortified enemy pockets manned by 2 officers and 10 enlisted men which had been bypassed. Without regard for such superior numbers, he unhesitatingly attacked and killed all of them. Five hundred yards farther, he discovered 6 men of the enemy who had concealed themselves behind our lines and destroyed all of them.

On 7 July 1944, the perimeter of which Sgt. Baker was a part was attacked from 3 sides by from 3,000 to 5,000 Japanese. During the early stages of this attack, Sgt. Baker was seriously wounded, but he insisted on remaining in the line and fired at the enemy at ranges sometimes as close as 5 yards until his ammunition ran out. Without ammunition and with his own weapon battered to uselessness from hand-to-hand combat, he was carried about 50 yards to the rear by a comrade, who was then himself wounded.

At this point Sgt. Baker refused to be moved any farther, stating that he preferred to be left to die rather than risk the lives of any more of his friends. A short time later, at his request, he was placed in a sitting position against a small tree. Another comrade, withdrawing, offered assistance. Sgt. Baker refused, insisting that he be left alone and be given a soldier’s pistol with its remaining 8 rounds of ammunition.

When last seen alive, Sgt. Baker was propped against a tree, pistol in hand, calmly facing the foe. Later Sgt. Baker’s body was found in the same position, gun empty, with 8 Japanese lying dead before him. His deeds were in keeping with the highest traditions of the U.S. Army.

Imagine some approval committee meeting to decide whether or not to give Baker the Medal of Honor. They read what he did, and then the chairman says, “What’s there to talk about?” Done.

(This citation is from the Congressional Medal of Honor Society website.

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