“Hello, President Assad? Yes, this is Barack Obama calling. We’re really upset about you using chemical weapons to kill hundreds of women an children. Really tacky leadership, in my book, and you crossed my Red Line and all. As you probably heard, I want to attack you, but not right away. I want Congress to agree to this, and they’re on vacation right now and won’t be back for another week. But when they return, they’ll start debating the idea. You can watch it on C-Span. They’ll probably speculate about what an attack will look like–specific targets, weapons we’ll use, how long it’ll last, stuff like that. Then, if the House and Senate pass bills authorizing me to attack you, it’ll come to me for signing. By the way, I’ll be glad to send you one of the pens I use. Anyway, an attack is coming. If you could act surprised when it happens, that would be great. These things always look better when it’s a surprise.”
