One of the funniest ads on TV isn’t meant to be funny. It’s for Intermezzo, a drug for people who wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble getting back to sleep, a condition which is the scourge of Western Civilization. A woman with a soothing voice explains the benefits of Intermezzo, and then, as we watch happy pictures, soothingly gives all the possible risks of taking Intermezzo. Including:
Severe allergic reactions, some of which could be fatal. Hives. Difficulty breathing. Headache. Nausea. Fatigue. Swelling of your face lips, tongue, or throat. Having no memory of something you just did, like driving or making a phone call. Confusion, hallucinations, and agitation. Increased aggressive behavior. Impaired thinking or reactions. Suicidal thoughts. Drug dependency. Withdrawal symptoms if you’ve used it a long time. And if you stop using Intermezzo, your insomnia may be worse than before. Also: don’t take it unless you have four hours of sleep time left.
Instead of that soothing woman’s voice, I think New Jersey governor Chris Christy should do the voice-over. It would go something like this.
“Do you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep? Then do what I do, for goodness sakes–read a book or watch TV for a while. But if you’re impatient and totally stupid, you can try a dangerous and habit-forming drug called Intermezzo. Just don’t blame me if you break out in hives, have debilitating headaches, and your tongue swells up like a balloon. You might drop your kids off somewhere, and totally can’t remember where. This stuff can kill you, and if it doesn’t do the job by itself, it might drive you to commit suicide. Then, if you try to quit, you’ll discover–surprise!–that you’re hopelessly addicted. And even if you DO manage to quit, your insomnia might be worse than before.
“I mean, this Intermezzo drug is a total joke, and you’ve gotta be stupider than a dirt clod to take it. But hey–if you find it annoying to wake up in the middle of the night, and if you routinely engage in such activities as Russian Roulette or running blindfolded across freeways, then by all means try Intermezzo. It may be just what you, and the human gene pool, need.”
I just read a great story about an 11-year-old clay shooting champion from Butte, Montana. Two illegal aliens broke into her home while her parents were away. She grabbed a shotgun and killed both intruders. One was armed with a .45 handgun stolen during a previous break-in, during which they murdered gun’s owner.
A woman in Alberta, Canada, was out hiking with her boyfriend when a huge grizzly bear suddenly charged at them. Fortunately, she was armed with a 25 calibre Beretta Jetfire pistol. Most people would say a 25 calibre pistol is too small to stop a human attacker, let alone an aggressive grizzly bear. But not in her case.
